Falling in love is easy; staying in love is the challenge

It felt like not too long ago when falling in and out of love was a part of my everyday life. I watched as it happened around me and I also saw how it manifested in my own life. Falling in love felt like the highest point of a rollercoaster ride- the point right before the drop- it was exhilarating yet nerve-wrecking. What came soon after was not as thrilling; it was just gut-wrenchingly painful.

One day I decided, “Enough of heartbreaks; I want to settle down.” I thought that was one of the best decisions of my life, until I realised how hard it was to achieve what seemed like a simple goal of “settling down”.

For a long time, I yearned to be part of a blissful couple- one that has been together through thick and thin, and still able to look at each other with a loving and longing gaze. The kind of couple portrayed in movies and dramas, where they would drive off into the sunset and live happily ever after.

I wanted that but I had no idea how to get there…not till experience taught me what it took to become such a couple; effective communication and conscious effort.Falling in love was the easy part, and the honeymoon period that came straight after made it all the more better. Conversations were filled with sweet nothings, and smiles were constantly plastered on faces. Mistakes were overlooked, and annoying habits were thought to be cute.

However, as all good things must come to an end, the honeymoon period will soon be over when small little habits that used to be adorable become the reason for arguments. This then becomes a vulnerable phase for couples, and many (my past relationships included) have failed to emerge victorious from the stormy waters.

“How will one survive such harsh conditions?”

How does a couple pull through such difficult times then?It all boils down to how much the couple treasures and wants the relationship to work out. Needless to say, it takes effort from both sides, because as much as it takes two to argue, it also takes two to build a happy relationship.

The key to it all is effective communication, and such communication requires conscious effort. The effort put in to keep the love boat afloat transcends to all areas of the relationship. This means in all things said and done, both parties have to consciously choose to speak and behave in a loving and patient manner. Sounds easy? Wait till you give it a try.

Being loving and patient all the time means we have to fight back a large number of our natural tendencies. It means not snapping at our other half because we have had a bad day. Or to yell when we think our other half is not listening or not understanding what we are trying to say. It also means that we need to patiently explain why a particular habit bothers us, instead of simply disapproving the action.

In summary, putting in conscious effort to maintain the relationship means choosing to stay even when the going gets tough. It means showing your other half that you are here to stay, and the both of you will make it through, together.

I remember my mum telling me, “Love is a module that you will spend your entire life learning, and never graduating.” True enough, settling down and having a long-lasting, happy relationship is one that requires hard work that will last a life time…but the rewards are always a plenty.

Why Relationships Fail: 4 Tips to Make Love Last

“Happiness mainly comes from our own attitude, rather than from external factors.” ~Dalai Lama

If you get married today, there is a 60% chance that your relationship won’t last. Is finding true love really that hard or is there something else going on?

A research group from the Heriot-Watt University found that many people have a “warped sense of the perfect relationship” and “unrealistic expectations from their romantic partner.” They concluded that they got these unrealistic expectations from Hollywood love stories.

These movies have us longing for a Cinderella or Prince Charming who will sweep us off our feet and make us happier than we have ever been. But can we really expect our partners to make us happy? Is that even fair to them?

When I figured out this wasn’t the right approach to a relationship, I had already been in two failed ones. “Failed” may not be the right word, because I don’t regret them and I’m still friends with both of my exes, but these relationships were based on needs, from both partners.

After the second relationship, I was single for a long time, and that’s when I started working on myself.

When I started to see some changes in myself and in my life, I felt the desire to have a girlfriend again. I mentioned this to my mentor, and he said, “It’s not the girlfriend you want; it’s what you think she can give you.”

This was a real eye opener for me. I realized that this desire was my ego telling me there was something missing in my life and that I needed to find someone else to fill this gap for me. I didn’t have a person in mind yet, but I was already being unfair to her by expecting so much of her. I was demanding love.

Demanding Love Vs. Sharing Love

If you expect your partner to make you happy, you are demanding love. If you were happy when you were single, you’re more likely to be happy in your relationship. And when you’re happy, you can focus on “sharing your love” instead of “demanding happiness.”

Do you see how this can make a world of difference in your relationship? When you go from “needing” love, affection, and support to fill a hole in yourself, to “sharing” love and happiness from a place of fullness, your relationship (and life!) will blossom into something truly amazing and lasting.

The Love Illusion

Not expecting anything from your partner doesn’t mean you can’t rely on them for support. It just means you don’t depend on them to ease the discomfort of being with yourself.

Even if it seems like they do that for a while, the absence of discomfort will be an illusion. It’s like taking aspirin. You may not feel the headache anymore, but what caused the headache is still there.

If you don’t like to spend time with yourself, you most likely don’t really love yourself. And if you don’t love yourself first, you cannot sincerely love someone else—or let yourself be loved by someone else.

What “True Love” Really Is

When two people get together and start working on themselves—when they aim to grow together instead of avoiding growth by depending too much on each other—they build a connection on a higher level. Couples who understand that this is the greatest gift they can give each other will be the happiest couples; they will experience true love!

4 Tips for a Loving, Lasting Relationship

1. Love yourself First

Many people don’t realize that their feelings toward other people are largely determined by their feelings about themselves. Learning to love yourself will not only benefit yourself, but also your partner.

A couple of ways to start loving yourself in action:

The mirror exercise: Stand in front of the mirror, look yourself in the eye, and say, “I love you. I really, really love you!” Don’t just say the words; try to feel them. It may take some practice, but if you do this two or three times a day for a couple of minutes, you will feel the results!

Practice self-acceptance. You are a magnificent human being. You may have some flaws, but that’s okay. Everybody has flaws and we all make mistakes. You can learn from them, accept them, and even be grateful for them, because they have helped form the person you are today.

2. Choose to be happy.

True happiness comes from within. Nothing or no one can “make” you happy. When you are a happy person because you choose to be, this will rub off on your partner, or attract more potential partners if you are single. Being happy feels good on the inside and looks good on the outside!

A few ways to choose happiness every day:

-Practice gratitude and optimism. People who see the world optimistically see opportunities and love everywhere they go. There’s truth in the saying “Change the way you look at things and the things you look at will change.” Make a habit out of gratitude. When the sun shines on your face, when someone lets you cut in line, when someone smiles at you, say “thank you.” You don’t even have to say it out loud; thinking it will do just fine.

-Don’t let others determine how you feel. Try not to worry about what others say, think, or do—even if they talk badly about you. You can still respond to them, but don’t let it affect your level of happiness. The moment you get emotionally involved you have lost your inner peace.

-Accept your circumstances. You cannot control everything that happens in life. Sometimes, bad things happen. We cannot escape from this; we can only accept it. Choose to accept the circumstances you can’t change instead of causing yourself to suffer.

-Have fun! Find something you love to do and do it on a regular basis. For me, it’s snowboarding. Even though I’m physically exhausted after a day of snowboarding, mentally, I’m fully recharged.

-Meditate. Meditation was the foundation of my whole transformation process. I still meditate two hours a day. But if you are just starting out, fifteen minutes will do. Meditation will help you with all the points above; it will give you focus, mental clarity, and inner peace. It takes some practice, but if you put in the effort, the results will astound you.

3. Fall in love when you are ready, not when you are lonely.

Don’t compromise or get into a relationship for the wrong reasons. Being alone isn’t the same as being lonely. When you love yourself, you don’t mind being alone sometimes because you are spending time with your best friend. Ironically, being in a bad relationship can make you feel like the loneliest person in the world.

4. Do not lose yourself in a relationship.

Make time for yourself, pursue your own goals, and do things without your partner. Maintain a healthy balance between your personal time and your time together. Putting yourself first in a relationship might seem strange at first, but it makes perfect sense. If you go into a relationship expecting your partner to make you happy, your partner might expect the same from you. Do you really want to be responsible for your partner’s happiness? That’s quite a responsibility to take on.

Wouldn’t it be much better if you and your partner entered a relationship and committed to becoming the best people you both can be while sharing your love with each other? No needs, no expectations, no obligations. Do you see how in a relationship like that, love has the freedom to grow into something truly amazing?

8 Steps To Save Your Marriage

1. Make a list of all the issues you argue about. Treatment will be complete when you have found mutually agreeable solutions to these issues, and have learned the skills to resolve new issues as they arise with similarly win-win solutions.

2. Focus on yourself. Attempts to make your partner change invite defensiveness. Instead, use your energy to figureout what you could do differently to stay loving and good-humored when your partner does something you hate. Become “self-centered” in the best possible sense.

3. Cut the crap. The negative muck you give each other is totally unhelpful. It only taints a positive relationship. So, no more criticism, complaints, blame, accusations, anger, sarcasm, digs or snide remarks.

No more anger escalations either. Stay in the calm zone. Exit early and often if either of you start to get heated. Calm down and re-engage cooperatively.

Research psychologist John Gottman has found that marriages generally survive if the ratio of good to bad interactions is five to one. But do you want to survive, or do you want to thrive? If thriving is your goal, aim for a ratio of a million to one. That means, don’t sling mud at all.

4. Express concerns constructively. A simple way to do that in sensitive conversations is to stick with the following trio of options for sentence starters: “I feel [followed by a one-word adjective]“; “My concern is …”; or “I would like to …”

5. Make decisions cooperatively. I call that the “win-win waltz.” The goal of the win-win waltz is to reach solutions that please you both. No more aiming to “get your way.” Instead, when you have differences, express your underlying concerns, listen to your partner’s concerns and create solutions that respond to both.

6. Eliminate the three As that ruin marriages. Affairs, addictions, and excessive anger are relationship dealbreakers. They are out-of-bounds in a healthy marriage.

If you are indulging in one of these self-defeating and relationship-destroying habits, get help and get it out of your life pronto. If your spouse is the one with the problem, trying to save the marriage may be a mistake. Either build a new kind of marriage where these do not occur, or end the marriage.

7. Radically increase the positive energies you give your partner. Smile more; hug more; have more sex; be more appreciative; spend more time dwelling on the things you like about each other; help each other out more; praise each other more; laugh more; agree more; do more fun things together. The best things in life really are free. And the more positives you give, the more you’ll get.

8. Learn the skills for a successful marriage. Would you expect to drive a car without first taking driver’s ed? Find books and marriage education courses to learn the communication and conflict resolution skills for marriage partnership. Then, in addition to saving your marriage, you’ll make it a loving success.

Five habits couples should develop for a long lasting relationship

In today’s culture, relationships don’t always go as they depict in movies and fairy tales. Many of us would probably know of friends or family who have broken up from relationships or even divorced from marriages (unfortunately). A multitude of underlying reasons could be the cause of these splits and it may be impossible to provide a solution that could prevent these separations. What we do believe, is that there certain habits couples can develop in order to have a long lasting relationship together.

1. Putting each other first in your priority list
Sometimes, it is easy to get caught up in many of life’s distractions that we tend to forget about each other. Be it work, friends, or a new hobby, we should always remember that there are two people in a relationship. No one would like to feel neglected by their partner because he/she a lot of time on a new <insert distraction here>.

Now, we’re not saying that you should drop that big project you’re working on, or forego your friends because you don’t have the time for each other. However, it is important that while you might be tied up for a while, you let each other know and FEEL that they are still the number one priority on your list.

2. Appreciate the littlest things
The longer down the road you travel together, the more likely you will get used to the little things that you do for each other. And the more we get used to those little things, the more likely you will start to take these actions for granted. Make it a point to bring back those courteous “Thank You’s” for those things he / she does for you, no matter how small. Hearing a “Thank You” out of habit is always better than not feeling appreciated at all.

3. Communicate with each other
Communication (or lack thereof) is usually one of the main reasons couples drift apart from each other. Communication with each other is essential in keeping things going in the relationship. Make it a point to share with your partner about each other’s day and anything new or interesting that might have happened during the day.
And always remember to listen. You might not always find what your partner is telling you interesting or noteworthy, but he/she is telling you about it is because it does to him/her.
Even if both of you are leading hectic lives across the world from each other, you definitely can spare that 15-minute phone call for each other every now to share on what’s happening with each other.

4. Spend quality time together
In today’s digital world, we tend to be easiliy distracted by our smart phones, the TV, movies, or the computer. Make it a point to spend some quality time with each other. It doesn’t matter if its just snuggling on the bed or taking a walk by the park. Most importantly is to detach from yourselves from the rest of the world and have only each other for company.

5. Communicate to resolve issues
If there’s something about your partner that is bothering you, it is imperative that you let him or her know. Unless it is an one-off incident, you need to tell your partner about it. Holding it all inside would do nothing but build up negativity towards each other. Then again, you need to do this in a careful manner, to let your partner know that you mean the best for him/her and that’s why you are telling them about it. (Think Interventions from HIMYM)

Probably the harder role of the two is to be the one receiving. It is almost an instinctive natural reaction for us to feel hurt and anger when someone points out a negative trait. More likely than not, you will react in a defensive manner taking that comment more harshly than intended. However, before you do so, take a step back and wonder why would someone whom you mean so much to mention so. They mean the best for you and are just trying to help resolve an issue.

Communicating to resolve issues is usually a tricky skill that each couple has to learn to develop together. In this particular aspect, we strongly recommend that emotions be kept at bay and the issue be resolved in a mature manner.

Have a Healing Relationship

A healing relationship is based on awareness; in it both partners work to break old habits that promote suffering. They have to walk a fine line, just as my friend did, because compassion means that you appreciate the suffering someone else is experiencing, as well as your own. Yet at the same time there has to be detachment, making sure that suffering, no matter how real, isn’t the dominant reality. The attitudes that make for a healing relationship become part of a vision you hold for yourself and the other person.

How to Relate When Someone Else is in Pain
I have sympathy for you. I know what you’re going through.
You don’t have to feel a certain way just to make me happy.
I will help you get through this.
You don’t have to be afraid that you are driving me away.
I don’t expect you to be perfect. You aren’t letting me down.
This pain you are going through isn’t the real you.
You can have the space you need, but I won’t let you be alone.
I will be as real with you as I can be.
I won’t be afraid of you, even though you may be afraid of your pain.
I will do all I can to show you that life is still good and joy still possible.
I can’t take your pain on as my responsibility.
I won’t let you hold on to your pain—we are here to get through this.
I will take your healing as seriously as my own well-being.

As you can see, there are subtle pitfalls in these attitudes. When relating to someone in pain, you have to extend yourself and yet remain within boundaries at the same time. “I feel your pain, and yet it’s not mine” is a tricky stance; it can tip either way. You can become so involved in the pain that you turn into an enabler. Or you can hide behind your own boundaries and shut out the person who is suffering. A healing relationship maintains the proper balance.

Behavior in Relationships

As I have shared in previous articles, I did a ton of dating before I figured out how to break the dysfunctional dating cycle and find a partner that is a fit for me. It was not just about finding that perfect someone, but I had to look at my own dysfunctional patterns and thinking in order to make this happen for me. Being in relationships never came easy for me. It was one of those things in life I struggled with well into my 40’s, but once I figured it out, I became happier than ever.

I can remember those times when being in a relationship, and I knew that it was tragically dysfunctional, but used the reason of loving the other person to stay in the relationship. I spent many hours in the office of an extremely insightful and gifted therapist Michael Traub. He seemed to be the only person who was able to explain things to me in a way that not only made sense but empowered me to discover my own answers and have my “aha” moments.

One of the key things I learned from Michael is that love is just not enough in a relationship. Being in love and loving someone is wonderful however it is simply not enough. How many times have you or your friends complained that their boyfriend or girlfriend is engaging in some rude or inappropriate way, but yet they stay in the relationship because they love the other person? Well, guess what, love is just not enough to sustain a healthy relationship. I learned that in order to create a healthy loving relationship that behavior on the part of both people is crucial.

I spent years in a relationship where my partner would do things that would deeply hurt me and yet I stayed because we loved one another. I absolutely believed that we loved one another, however it was just not enough. We both would try to convince each other that “if you love me you would not do this” and expect the other person to change. It may not be that the other person does not love you, but rather their ability to make a commitment to their own personal growth to have the discipline to make changes in their behavior. My partner’s drinking had nothing to do with his love for me.

I have a friend who was in a relationship with a man. The man kept doing things that would upset my friend. One of the things he would do is show up extremely late for their dates. This drove her crazy as she felt that this was disrespectful of her time. She made many requests to him to please be on time or at least give her a heads up when he was going to be late. He completely disregarded her requests and although he loved her he continued this behavior. Love had very little to do with him continuing to be late, but lack of empathy and compassion for her had everything to do with it.

It is important for both people to make conscious choices to behave in ways that show respect and kindness for their partner. This is key in making a relationship work. It is just not enough to be in love. Behaving in ways that are kind, loving and respectful are important components in making a relationship work. Behavior has more to do with empathy than love. You can love someone but not have empathy for them and this is what will determine your behavior.

5 Steps to Recreate Your Interpretations

When you begin to get into the habit of consciously and carefully examining your old interpretations in this way, you create a space for spontaneous moments of freedom. These five steps might carry you into this line of reasoning:

1. I feel hurt, but that doesn’t mean the other person was bad or meant to hurt me. There’s always another side to the story, despite my hurt.

2. I’ve been hurt like this before, and therefore maybe I was too quick to judge this incident. I need to see each thing as it is.

3. I don’t need to see myself as a victim here. When was the last time I was on the other side of the same situation? Didn’t I feel pretty caught up in my own motives?

4. Let me forget my feelings for a second. How did that other person feel? Perhaps he just lost control or was too wrapped up in his own world to notice my hurt.

5. This incident can help me. I don’t really care about blaming this person or getting back. I want to find out the kinds of things that create threat in me. Is there something in me that caused this incident?

Communicate To Work Out Relationship

Open, honest, and loving communication is key for making any relationship work. But why is it that so many people lack these skills in a relationship only to have the relationship fall apart?

I have a dear friend who has been in a relationship for about a year and it recently ended. Neither party expressed from their heart what was going on for them or how to solve the situation. Now both people are very sad without their partner and do not know how to bring the relationship back together.

I understand that it can be scary and vulnerable when you do not know how someone will react to your feelings; however, if you want to develop deeper intimacy with that person, being able to openly communicate with them is crucial. Even from the onset of a relationship establishing where you are in your dating process is important.

For instance, if you are interested in creating a long term relationship in your life that will lead to marriage, state this within the first two dates. I know this sounds radical, but you are not stating to this person that you want a long term relationship with them, you are simply sharing that this is what you are looking for at this time in your life. When I was dating, I would begin talking about relationships and say something like, “I’m looking for a long term relationship that will lead to marriage, how about you? Are you looking for a life partner or just someone to date?” This lets you know right away if this person is a potential candidate for you to continue to date.

This might seem abrupt, but it sets you up as being honest and upfront with your feelings and who you are from the onset. As you continue seeing someone, having this kind of honest communication is key. If you feel as if you are falling for the person, let them know and check in with them to see how they are feeling. Hopefully, they have shared their feelings with you, but if not, simply ask. Do not make assumptions on how the other person is feeling. “I’m really falling for you and can see potential for a long term relationship, how about you? Do you see potential for us as well?” I understand that this puts the other person on the spot, however it gives both of you an opportunity to be honest and check in on where the relationship is headed.

If you are the kind of person that has a difficult time opening up with your feelings, this is a wonderful personal growth exercise in learning to become deeply intimate with someone and more expressive. Understand that your feelings will not always be reciprocated, but better to find out this early on in the relationship than years down the line.

So often two people are in a relationship and are on completely opposite pages. I love my friend that I mentioned previously, however I do not think she set up this relationship from the onset to understand where it was headed. Stating your intention and finding out what the other person’s intentions are at the beginning of a relationship is so much more important than people realize. She did not do this and just figured that because he stayed with her that he wanted the same kind of commitment that she did. Unfortunately he did not and dropped the ball at the first sign of conflict.

I have noticed that when both people clearly state when they realize that the person they are with could be the “one,” that this is someone they could see spending their life with, the relationship seems to be able to withstand difficult times. When you know that you are both in it for the long haul you work to figure out ways to get through the difficult times.

I am not stating that this is always a relationship guarantee, but being open and honest about who you are and your feelings in a loving way is a great way to begin a healthy relationship.

Have a great week and remember to talk, talk and talk some more!

6 Ways to Feel Closer Right Now

1. Be funny. Kind-spirited humor can douse a hot argument, head off a fight, and turn the drudgery of household responsibilities and planning into something witty, smart, and hilarious. Stick with warm humor; sarcasm and snide remarks aren't relationship-builders.

2. Be kissy. Saluting your spouse with a longer-than-usual kiss in the morning, at the end of the workday, and before you say good night telegraphs the good news that you still find him or her irresistible and wonderful.

3. Be appreciative. You can never appreciate your spouse too much. He or she needs to hear how much you admire the way he or she gets the bills paid, organizes the kids' activities, made that tasty shrimp scampi last night, rewired the basement, cleared out three months' worth of old magazines from beside the couch, or got the trash out to the curb just in time for pickup.

4. Be surprising. Bring home an unexpected little gift. Get the car serviced before he changes the oil. Deliver breakfast in bed next Saturday.

5. Be historical. Play the songs you two loved best when you were courting. Bring out your wedding album after dinner and leaf through it together. Bring up the good times from your past -- you'll both get a glow and feel lifted up as you remember your passion.

6. Be forgetful. Forgive your spouse's human shortcomings, then forget them. Nobody's perfect, especially under stress. (Hmmm ... could that include you?) Graciously overlooking flaws, errors, and gaffes sets a sweetly gracious tone for your relationship.

Making Love Last

6 promises that will bring you closer together

By Joan Borysenko, PhD , Joan Borysenko, PhD, is a scientist, psychologist, inspirational speaker, and author of Inner Peace for Busy Women and Inner Peace for Busy People.

My beloved soul mate, Gordon, and I recently got married. You may be thinking something like, "Oh, how fabulous, love is a sweet promise, even at their age." Or maybe you're thinking, "Why would a woman of almost 60 want to get married again? Is she nuts?" Gordon and I laugh about being on the longest, hottest date in history.

But because of past disappointments and hurts, we're more realistic about what it takes to make love work. This time around, we wanted to do more than exchange the lofty, traditional "love, honor, and cherish" vows. We wanted to think through the behaviors that make love a day-by-day reality and create down-to-earth vows to shape and hold our marriage together.

A vow is a statement of intention that's a blueprint for action. It isn't a static statement like "I'll love you forever." Vows are commitments to specific behaviors to practice every day. Whether you're in a relationship or not, thinking about the kind of behaviors that nurture love can help you build a better union. Though it may seem that love is an effortless grace that will last forever, sustaining it takes conscious effort. Here are examples of vows to help you put love into action.

"I vow to not go to bed angry"
After a juicy fight, it's tempting to hole up and nurse your grievances, or at least turn your back on your partner and fall asleep in your own little cocoon of misery. But research from the famous "Love Lab" at the University of Washington suggests that making an overture at reconciliation is a much better plan.

Psychologist John Gottman, PhD, found that a couple's ability to bridge the gap after a squabble is one of the keys to lasting relationship success. And as much as you love one another, there are bound to be times when you get miffed. Even a simple statement such as, "I feel so anxious when we're at odds. How are you doing?" can turn a disagreement around. On the other hand, if you're really at fault, an apology is the best possible bridge between two hearts.

"I vow to keep our romance going even when I'm not feeling romantic"
My friend Dana was stressed by the toll that motherhood was taking on her marriage. She and her husband, Allen, had been together for 10 years before their daughter was born, and they loved going out to restaurants, movies, and clubs. But when they had Stacey, their priorities shifted.

Like most new parents, they were exhausted and short on funds. Allen felt abandoned because the lion's share of Dana's attention went to the baby. Their romance seemed dead, and he became resentful. Dana vowed to turn things around. So she started the tradition of weekly date nights, where they get a babysitter, go out as a couple, and focus on each other. They're still going strong 10 years later, and she's an inspiration to busy me to put aside one night a week just for Gordon.

"I vow to be honest"
Most women lie about their feelings to placate someone else, a pattern guaranteed to breed resentment. Let's say your partner decides to watch the Super Bowl with a buddy--but it's also the night that you're returning from an exhausting weeklong sales trip. He assumes you want to unpack; you really want to spend the evening with him, but don't want to be a nag. So you're cheerful and supportive when he runs the plan by you.

But inside you're hurt and angry, and when he gets home after the game, you're resentful and touchy instead of delighted to see him. That's the antithesis of real love. Vowing to be honest about your feelings promotes intimacy and cuts down on resentment.

"I vow to stay faithful--even if I'm tempted"
Although you may have trouble imagining that you or your partner could succumb to a fatal attraction scenario, it happens--a lot. Even though most people say they disapprove of extramarital sex, carefully constructed polls estimate that 28% of married men and 17% of women have had affairs by their early 50s. It's human nature to feel at least occasional sexual attraction to other people. Acting on those attractions, however, is where this vow comes in.

The jealousy and anger that unfaithfulness breeds are the natural enemies of love and commitment.

"I vow to take care of myself"
After Gordon and I had been married for a month, my oldest son called and started joking: "Hey, Mom, how are you guys doing? Have you gotten fat yet?" We've all seen couples where one partner is buff and the other looks old enough to be his or her parent.

As a therapist, I've listened to the disappointment that follows when someone is no longer attracted to a partner who has let himself or herself go physically. I've also witnessed the sorrow when one partner falls ill or even dies of a preventable condition, leaving the other one feeling abandoned. One of the vows I've made both for myself and my husband is to take care of myself physically and emotionally so that I remain vital for as long as I can.

"I vow to cultivate intimacy"
When Gordon asks me how I am, he's not expecting to hear a mindless, "Fine, dear. You?" He really wants to understand how I'm feeling. That's intimacy--and I plan for us to stay as close as we are now for decades to come. Intimacy is a kind of mindfulness, a nonjudgmental curiosity about what's unfolding each moment for the other person. You cultivate it by listening deeply, without trying to solve each other's problems or butt in with your own story. Just being heard is a great antidote to stress, and it's one of the finest gifts you can give your partner.

Try writing your own vows for your romantic relationship, or for a friend, a parent, a child, or a trusted coworker. Even if the vows are for your eyes only, intentions have power. Put them in a place where you can check them often. A final word: Be gentle with yourself. A vow like, "Above all, be honest," is bound to take continual practice.

Improve Your Relationship

Have you ever met someone who always make you angry? How about someone who always upset you. And do you always have to be with someone you don't like?

Being together with people you like is a blessing. However once a while, some people may come along and hurt you.

Long term relationship problem may stress you up mentally. It may even affects your health and makes you sick. Previous relationship problem can also hunt your memory for the rest of your life. This of course negatively affect your current life style.

Is there a way to improve these relationship problems? I may not have the answer to all cases. But here are some suggestion you may want to try.

Reflection
Let say you have some relationship problem with someone. It may be your husband, your child, your relative or your friend. Let's call him John. Now try this exercise.

Find a quiet and comfortable place. Sit comfortably and close your eyes for 10 minutes. Clear your mind from any thoughts. Just concentrate on your breathing.

Then open your eyes and write down what has happended between you and John that upset you. You can choose one incident that you remembered the most. Or you can choose the indicent that first pops out in your mind. Write this incident in as much detail as possible. For example:

• who was involved
• what exactly happened
• when it happened
• where it happened
• what was the result

Then, write down your answer to the following questions:

• Through John, what can I see of myself?
• Have I done anything I should not towards John?
• Is there anything I do not wish John to know?
• Through this incident, what can I learn?
• What should I do now?

If you don't have the answer in the beginning, repeat the question several times until the answer pops out. Try to answer these questions instinctively. Do not analyze it. Just listen to your inner voice and write it down.

You can go over these questions a few times untill you feel you have written down everything. You can then go through the same process with other people with whom you have relationship problem.

Who to change?
It is very difficult to change other people. And most people want to change everyone except themselves. Of course, they eventually find themselves circling in an endless rat race. The same problem keeps coming back again and again.

However, there is one thing you can do differently... change yourself. By changing yourself, you may discover people around you gradually change with you too. Even your world changes with you.

No matter how bad the situation is, never point your finger to others. Just look into your heart and feel what is happening inside you. Why do you attract this person into your life? Why you and not the others?

If you need to, apologize to the other person even if she is still a little kid.

Remember, change yourself and your world changes with you.